When I was a kid, I overheard my aunt telling my mom how uncomfortable she felt asking my uncle for money. In the 1970s, as a stay-at-home mom, she didn’t have her own income, and getting her own credit card wasn’t easy. So, every night before bed, she would ask my uncle for $20 to buy groceries the next day.
Thankfully, my uncle always left the money on the kitchen table by morning, often with a little extra, which spared her the humiliation of being handed the money directly. She even managed to save a bit for herself from time to time.
Imagine having to ask for permission every time you need something as basic as tampons or new underwear. Or buying your husband a birthday gift with his own money. Witnessing that conversation was a pivotal moment for me. I promised myself I would never be in that position.
I took this promise seriously and ensured no man could use money to control me. When I date someone, we split everything 50-50. I’ve bought property and started a business with a boyfriend, always going half and half. I dislike tracking every cent I spend, so we usually keep a rough tally. Whether it’s a 47-53 split or putting the same amount into a joint account, I’m happy as long as I contribute my fair share.
When I travel with my partner, sometimes we exchange local currency, and he keeps it. I get annoyed having to ask for cash to buy something, even if I am entitled to half. I know my approach is a bit extreme, and I even find it hard to accept gifts that cost much more than what I gave. But if I didn’t have my own money, I wouldn’t feel comfortable being financially dependent on a man.
Some couples manage well with the higher earner paying a bigger share of the bills. My business partner was worth much more than I was when we bought a house. Should I have paid just 10% while he covered the rest? For some reason, I wouldn’t have felt at home. Interestingly, when we broke up and I bought his half of the house, he said he wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping there if we reconciled since I was now the sole owner. Financially, we were a good match!
The only uneven relationship I had was with a broke student. He paid half of our daily expenses, and if I wanted to stay somewhere nice on holidays, he would cover half of a basic hotel while I paid the rest. I didn’t mind because otherwise, I would have gone alone and covered the full cost. However, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable paying part of his rent or groceries.
What I want to avoid most in paying my share in a relationship is resentment. My aunt could have faced comments like, “I work all day, and you spent $15 on nail polish!” A great relationship can sour quickly due to such issues. My sister was married for six years, and her husband made more money, which allowed a lifestyle she couldn’t have afforded on her own. When they divorced, money became a big issue. Her ex-husband resented her for not working enough, and my sister went from a large house with a garden to a tiny apartment she could barely afford.
The reason I insist on financial independence is to avoid living in a bubble where I feel entitled to more than I can actually afford. Even if I can afford it, I want my spending to reflect my values. Being financially independent means supporting my lifestyle, not trying to live like someone else. My wealthy ex often complained that I didn’t want to waste money on expensive dinners or clothes if mine were still good. But I wouldn’t let him pay either; whether it was his money or mine, I still saw it as wasteful.
Your financial arrangement in a relationship should be personal and suit both partners. What works for me might not work for you, and you might be okay with a different balance. Just ensure it doesn’t lead to resentment down the line.